First Post

I've owned this website and its name for a while now but, oddly enough, I haven't thought of any earth shaking things to write about.  It's not that life, or my mind, have been quiet, far from actually, it's just that the thought of staring at a blank page and beginning a new chapter feels.....daunting?  I do have my other blog, still linked through Blogger, titled "Starting Over, Take Two", that I wrote a few posts for so I wonder why I felt compelled to open a new one.  To pay the fee to keep the URL as mine for all eternity (or...until I don't pay the yearly fee.  You know, which ever.).  I remember writing a post on Facebook and it was, as usual, long and I hit upon the phrase "Ramblings from a Disquieted Mind" and I thought "That!  That is a perfect name for a blog where I can start over and begin writing.  I like to write.  I need to write.  If you follow me in Facebook you are already well aware of my *ahem* lengthy posts.

I have no idea the direction this will go.  Left, right, east, west.  Who knows really, which way the wind will blow.

I know I should start with an intro but that feels weird.  Not authentic, maybe.  I don't know, I mean, how do you start a blog (again)?  You would think I would know how considering I have something like five....well six but I have no idea how to even get into the one (or is it two?) that I started on Wordpress.  I know they are probably depressing as all get out because I started them back when I knew my relationship to the "other mother to my children" was in trouble.  Then again in the midst of the chaos.  I believe it was private but I'm sure I have long forgotten the names and passwords.  Some day someone will come across all these blogs that have been started and abandoned by people throughout the last decade or two.  I wonder how many are out there.  Thousands?  Probably.  Before Facebook really took on a life of its own, blogging is how the world of stay at home mommies kept our sanity.

I wonder what it is like to be a stay at home mom now, in the social media generation.  When my babies were sick, I didn't have a support group of other new moms to run to for advice.  When my daughter developed her full blown anxiety and stress disorder coupled with sensory processing disorder, there were no support groups.  No other moms to assure me I was not losing my mind, no one to say "Hang in there, you're doing a great job!"  My partner wasn't available emotionally or physically for me in the crux of the chaos.  It was just me, a very high needs baby, and a toddler who often felt lost and forgotten.  And I don't blame him one bit.  I often felt that way myself.

Ok...where is this going?  I don't really know.  I opened the app with the intention of sharing my thoughts of climbing into my queen sized, freshly laundered sheets and duvet cover bed.  Alone.  Truth?  I actually love it.  What?  You weren't expecting that?  Oh wait...I should probably do a quick intro just in case you have wandered here and have no idea what you're have stumbled across. Hint:  Pure Gold.  That's what you have stumbled across.  No really, I'm pretty funny.  A decent writer and I'm brutally honest about everything.  I decided, back when I was a new mother, that I would not t be one of those parents who make parenthood sound like the most amazing, blissful thing in the world.  I mean, it can be but not always.  There are *plenty* of not always, too.  I promised myself I would tell those who asked (key phrase: those who ASKED) the reality.  I was sold so many "perfect" stories that when life with a baby, toddler, child *wasn't* blissful and perfect, I blamed myself.  Clearly I was failing.  I wasn't.  Those of us who try to be good parents are never failing.  We just haven't found the groove yet.  You will find it......and then the baby or child will move the groove and you will be trying to catch up.  That's the truth.  The brutal and beautiful truth.

An intro...ok, here goes the clff note version (though I think they call it something else these days.  Kids.  They are never satisfied with what worked for us. *grin*. And while you're at it; "Get Off My Lawn!"  Ok ok....back to it....)

I'm Casey and currently I am a 54 year old single mom to my spectacular (almost) 17 year old son and my inspiring and amazing 14 year old daughter.  I've been "married" twice (one was a non-legal wedding in 1995 to the other mother of my kids and the second was a legal marriage to someone I loved with everything I had but love just wasn't enough to make it work.) "divorced once (again, since our marriage wasn't legal during the 16 years we were together, our divorce wasn't legal either.  I will say it made it easier in a lot of ways because we didn't need attorneys or arbitration or court orders or anything like that.  We had a "do it yourself" split and we managed to be adult enough to get through it without destroying our children in the process.  We are, to the day, good co-parents which has been very good for our children.) and am currently separated from my legally wed wife.  Neither one is chomping at the bit for a divorce so for right now, separated it is.  I'm really ok with that.

So,let's see....me, my age, marital status, my kids, their ages.....I think I have the brief intro done.  So back to the bed.  (Get your mind out of the gutter.  Geez.). Anyway.....I was thinking tonight, as I was crawling into my freshly remade bed how I actually like sleeping alone.  I've had a few years between my serious relationships where I learned to sleep alone and enjoy it.  That's not to say I wouldn't *mind* having someone to snuggle with I'm just saying I'm ok to sleep alone.  I would have thought, after all this time, I would have found my way to the middle of the bed but nope.  I still sleep on "my" half.  I think it's weird how I've never just taken over the middle.  My bed though?  Soooooooo comfy!  I was gifted with the most amazing organic mattress back in December and it is really comfortable.  Soft but firm.  The bed I was given when I first moved my kids and I out of the house I shared with my legal wife (Truth?  It was her house.  It had been for almost 20 years.  If I had it to to do over I would not have moved into a house she had lived with with the other mother to her child and then lived there alone for almost 10 years after that relationship ended.  The house was too "hers" and definitely not "and mine".  She tried but it would always be "her" house.  I felt like I had to be on my best behavior all the time (and I failed at that a lot.  I never felt like I belonged or that I was good enough but that is a story for another time.  Where were we...right, the bed after I moved out.....) was a well used mattress someone gave me for free.  I didn't have a bed so beggars can't be choosers and I happily accepted the mattress and box springs.  The kids LOVED the mattress and I admit, it was super soft, however it was difficult to get out of since it sloped to the middle.  I slept in that bed, happily so (sure was better than sleeping on the floor) for about 14 months and then I was gifted with a seriously amazing brand new organic mattress.  There was no way I would have been able to afford this mattress so it was nothing short of a miracle.

Wow.  I get sidetracked a lot.  I'd apologize and say I would try to do better but that would be a lie.  I ramble.  A lot.  Hence the name of the blog.  I'm afraid you will just have to roll with me.  :). Lucky you!

Shoot.  It's tomorrow already and I went to bed an hour ago.  So here is the condensed version of this entry:  I have an amazing mattress, I have freshly washed linen and I don't mind sleeping alone.

Speaking of sleep, that's where I'm going.  Thank you for sticking with me through, what I'm sure, is a jumbled mess of words.  Tomorrow when I read through this I am positive I will cringe and then have to fix a lot.  I may as well fess up to this right up front: I suck at proof reading.  Wait.  No.  That's not true. I'm great at proof reading, I suck at doing it before I hit the publish button.  I do, however, come back and (usually, that is) fix grammar, spelling, punctuation.  

Ok...that's it for tonight.  Sleep well.